raze albe

ma simteam ca o straina in preajma lui. incercam sa-mi dau seama daca tocmai am trecut printr-o furtuna, daca avea sa se astampere sau sa se distruga totul. daca eram paranoica sau daca innebuneam pe bune. daca toata gandirea pozitiva a fost doar in imaginatia mea, iar eu am ramas aceeasi vesnica pesimista.

exact asta eram acum: pesimista.

vantul care-mi arunca parul in toate directiile, imi vajaia in acelasi timp prin cap, ravasind toate amintirile, gandurile, momentele frumoase. toate erau prinse intr-un mic vartej continuu. creieru-mi vajaia. simteam cum puterile fizice ma lasau, coborau toate in talpi, fiind grele ca si plumbul.

toata cutia toracica se cutremura sub roiul de fluturi nebuni. as fi vrut sa se astampere. doar putin... doar putin.

mi-era greata de la aer.

mi-era greata de mine.

mi-era greata de tot ce simt.

"vreau sa se termine. totul. acum. vreau sa fiu bine."

continuam sa ma concentrez pe cuvintele astea, dar nu le auzeam. eram prinsa in furtuna din mine.

uitam de lume.

uitam de mine.

am simtit bratele in jurul meu, palmele pe talie.

putere.

caldura.

probabil era in imaginatia mea, dar norii aia negrii au disparut intr-o clipa. vedeam razele pale ale soarelui. erau albe, fine, calde.

sarut.

ma simt in siguranta.

acum... trebuie sa plec.

cafea

m-am trezit bulversata, intr-un alt vis. imi mangaia fata si-mi spunea ca ma iubeste.
m-am intins si-am zambit.
-visez?
-nu...


-uite, eu dorm cu mama si tu dormi in camera mea.
-nu.
-ce nu?
-nu dorm in camera ta.
-de ce?
-nu dorm in camera ta, daca nu dormi cu mine.
-da o sa se supere mama.
-pai fa cumva sa nu se supere. eu vreau sa dorm cu tine.
-da nu incapem.
-ba da.
si ne-am intins amandoi pe un fotoliu, cu latimea de un metru [daca nu mai putin]. chiar nu-mi pasa ca aveam sa ma plang de fiecare os, nerv, muschi si ce altceva mai functioneaza in corpu meu. voiam sa dorm cu el. acolo. in patu ala.
-lara?
-da?
-vrei sa ne culcam?
-nu ne uitam la jeux d'enfants?
-ba da.
-l-ai scos?
-da.
-mersi.
-n-ai pentru ce.
i-am tras capul pe spate, m-am ridicat pe varfuri si l-am sarutat.
sunt mai mica ca el cu vreo 15 cm daca nu mai mult. imi face placere sa ma intind de fiecare data, pe varfuri doar ca sa-l sarut.
am adormit in timpul filmului.

-rahaaaaaaat! e 10 fara 15 minute. pierd trenu.
desi eram constienta de faptul ca trebuia sa plec acasa, inca nu eram constienta ca totul e real. ca eu chiar am dormit in bratele lui toata noaptea, intr-o pereche de chiloti si bluza lui. inca nu-mi venea sa cred ca m-am trezit cu buzele lui la un centimetru de ale mele.
n-aveam curaj sa ma ciupesc, sa vad daca e real totul. nu voiam sa ma trezesc in caz ca nu era.
m-am ridicat in coate, m-am uitat la el ceva timp, apoi l-am sarutat.
-pui...
-mhm...
-te iubesc.
-mmm si eu mhmm...
cand si-a deschis ochii, puteam sa-mi dau seama ca nu eram singura zapacita care credea ca totul e un vis. se uita la mine si se chinuia sa nu se trezeasca.
-pui, sunt aici.
m-a strans in brate si m-a tras sub el. am ramas amandoi tacuti, uitandu-ne unul la celalalt.
-nu visez?
-nu.
-chiar sunt fericit?
-sper.
-tu esti?
-putin spus.
-chiar ma iubesti?
-da.
a zambit. i-am tras capul pe pieptul meu. imi placea atat de mult sa-l tin la piept, sa pot sa inspir mirosul lui.
-lara?
-da pui?
-vrei cafea?
-da. dar dupa ce ies de la dus.
-ok.
am fugit la dus. am dat drumul la apa rece. voiam sa ma trezesc.
nu e real. nu e real. nu poate fi real. iar visez. iar ma ia schizofrenia. il iubesc atat de mult incat incep sa-i formez o imagine, un miros, o casa, o familie... il fac iubitul meu, dragul meu, puiul meu. innebunesc. nu e adevarat. o sa mor dupa ce ma trezesc. o sa mor... o sa mor stiind ca nu e aici cu adevarat, ca e totul in mintea mea. ca are voce, si gust, si o inima, si un corp, si miros, si, si, si e al meu. e al meu. fir-ar sa fie. sunt nebuna.
m-am bagat sub dusul rece si m-am ghemuit in cada. imi venea sa plang.
degetele incepeau sa ma doara din cauza frigului.
dumnezeule. nu visez? adica totul e adevarat?
am tasnit din cada, m-am sters repede cu un prosop si am fugit in camera lui.
statea pe pervaz cu o cana in palme si una langa el. fuma o tigara.
-esti ok?
-d-da.
-sigur?
-da.
mi-a intins cana care statea langa el.
-fara zahar, cu lapte, nu?
-da.
a tinut minte.
a tinut minte.
asa imi beau cafeaua.
am luat-o in palme si-am sorbit din ea. era fierbinte si simteam aroma laptelui, perfect imbinata cu cea a cafelei. cea mai buna [perfecta, de fapt] cafea care am baut-o in viata mea... as putea zice asta. da... as putea.
m-am intins spre el si l-am sarutat.
simteam zaharul din cafeaua lui, pe buzele mele.
cafea... cu zahar. am si uitat gustul. am si uitat ca viata poate fi dulce...
m-am imbracat si-am plecat.
am lasat cana, pe jumatate plina pe biroul lui. cafeaua era mai buna cu zahar.
cafeaua si viata aveau un alt gust...

in capul meu

agitatie.
umezeala.
ploaie.
duhoare.
tigari, transpiratie si alcool.


lumina albastra imi irita privirea la maxim! ma mananca ochii in ultimu hal si nu pot sa ma scarpin. e exact ca atunci cand ai varicela si n-ai voie sa te scarpini ca ramai cu gauri. ei bine, mi-as scarpina ochii pana la alea doua gauri.
scaaaaar-pin. scar si pin. adica cicatrice si codul pin.
ma pufneste rasu si urlu la tipu de la tejghea.


-barman! mai vreau un rom cu cola! si o bere!
-ai 18 ani?
-de cate ori tre sa-ti mai arat buletinu?
-pana aflu unde stai.
-pfff. ma faci sa pfff-ai!
-esti beata.
-ti se pare. imi dai romu ala?
-daca tre sa te car acasa... da.
-ce naiba? da-mi romu!

mi-am luat paharu si mi-am repetat "la naiba cu stomacu meu! e timpul sa beau!".
m-am indreptat de spate, mi-am sorbit paharu si m-am dus in fata platanelor.
tipa [adica dj-ul] m-a lasat masca din prima. deci era p-e-r-f-e-c-t-a! tot timpu am avut o slabiciune pentru fetele ca ea, dar ea e... vai de capu meu.
ma simt ca o lezbiana.


continui sa beau. imi aprind tigara dupa tigara si dansez pe muzica ei. nu... nu bob marley, ci pe muzica ei. pe mixul ei.
ma intalnesc cu niste cunoscuti, dar necunoscuti. ei ma cunosc, eu nu mai stiu cine sunt ei...
sau eu.

imi doresc un joint.
imi doresc sa ma fac praf si pulbere.
vreau sa-mi fac rau.
vreau depresia mea draga inapoi.
sunt prea fericita.
o sa ma doara.
o sa ma doara.

-tu zana? zana rosie?
-ha?
-alooo! tu femeie?
-ce-i tu?
-esti bine?
-da. de ce?
-ai fumat sau ai baut ceva inainte?
mi-am intors fata si-am inlemnit. nu cunosteam vocea, dar cunosteam fata.
se apleaca si ma saruta.
simt gustul sarat pe buze, in gura. imi place.
simt beat-ul in venele ei cum il mixeaza cu al meu.
stam amandoua pe o banca si zambim.
zambetul ei devine ceata... se contopeste cu al tau.
muzica ma impinge din spate si ma trezesc.
perfectiunea e in spatele meu, mixeaza.
nu vreau s-o vad. vreau sa plec acasa.
acasa.
a-ca-sa!
acasa teve. la naiba sa povestim.
la naiba sunt beata.
imi privesc prietena mea draga, foarte ametita simtindu-se bine.
imi doresc sa fiu in pielea ei si sa ma bucur.
nu pot.
nu pot...

imi aduc aminte de moartea lui.
de moartea ta.
de tine imi aduce aminte, "miss perfectiune"...
daca iti dau 50 de bani, te intorci?
te rog cere-mi bani, pentru ca faci cheta.
te rog respira.
te rog fa-ma sa uit.


ma duc acasa.
ploua.
eu plang.

il iubesc

-mi-e teama sa mor.
-tie? nu se poate. ce-ai patit? nu ti-a fost niciodata frica de moarte.
-n-am zis ca mi-e frica de moarte, ci ca mi-e teama sa mor.
-de ce?
-pentru ca am pentru ce trai.
-aha, pentru ce?
-pentru cineva mai exact.
-pentru ...
-da. pentru...
-tu chiar il iubesti, nu?
-nici n-ai idee.
-eh si tu.
-eh si eu.
-stii, se vede...
-ce se vede?
-cat de mult il iubesti.
-adica?
-adica iti pasa de viata ta. pana acum nu dadeai doi bani pe ea. putea sa te trasneasca, sa te loveasca masina, sa nu stiu... orice. nu-ti pasa. voiai doar sa mori dracului si eu nu stiam cum sa te impiedic.
-eu...
-mereu ai fost asa. de cand eram micute amandoua. mi se parea ca esti nebuna la un moment dat.
-n-am realizat asta...
-niciodata n-ai fost fericita aici, parca nu-ti gas...
-nu-mi gaseam locul.
-dar acum...
-acum l-am gasit. nu vreau sa plec. nu vreau sa-l las aici, sa suporte singur totul. nu vreau sa mai treaca printr-o singura depresie, nici macar sa atinga tristetea daca nu sunt langa el. nu vreau sa scuture o singura lacrima din el, daca nu sunt acolo sa o prind, sa o sterg. nu vreau sa-l dezamagesc si mai ales nu vreau sa nu-l iubeasca nimeni.
-dar il iubesc multi oameni.
-il iubesc in felul lor, dar niciodata asa cum vrea el. eu pot sa-l iubesc asa cum vrea fara sa-mi spuna, fara sa ceara. stiu. pur si simplu stiu cand vrea ceva, sau cand nu e bine, cand vrea sa ramana singur... si atunci ma tem...
-de ce te temi?
-de singuratatea lui. stii, in singuratate totul o ia razna. parca definitia singuratatii cuprinde cuvintele "depresie", "durere", "ura", "lacrimi" si tot ce nu-ti face bine.
-delirezi.
-tot timpul. nu vreau sa-l las in pace si vreau sa vorbesc tot timpul cu el ca sa-i demonstrez ca nu urmaresc ceva la el, nu vreau placere carnala, sau alte rahaturi. daca as petrece o singura zi, doar cu el, fara nimic altceva, nici macar sa-l ating, doar sa stam intre patru pereti sa ne uitam unu la altu, sa nu ne vorbim, as fi fericita. iar daca l-as prinde de mana, m-as numi primul om care a atins perfectiunea, primul om cu adevarat fericit.
-m-au trecut fiorii.
-de ce?
-cine esti?
-ce?
-unde-i sora mea? unde-i nebuna cu dorinte suicidale? ce-ai facut cu ea?
-termina...
-nici nu stii cat il iubesc!
-poftim?!
-e pentru prima data cand te vad fericita, pentru prima data cand razi din suflet fara sa te prefaci. pentru prima data cand viata ta are un rost. stiu ca ma iubesti si pe mine si pe ceilalti, dar... noi nu valoram mai nimic in fata lui.
-nu-i adevarat.
-ba da. stii cand nu esti cu el, te gandesti la el. iar cand vorbesti cu el, parca toata camera se umple cu lumina. radiezi. intelegi? ra-di-ezi!
-nu...
-ba da...
-eu doar il iubesc...

transylvania vampires

-don't look at me. leave me alone!
-what's wrong?
-there's nothing wrong.
-don't lie to me.
-everything's wrong.
-tell me.
-shut up. ok? just shut up! everything's wrong since the first day of my life! and by the way, stop behaving like i'm your little sister. i'm older than you.
-i don't understand... you're not that old...
-no. iulia didn't create me. i created her 110 years ago. you see my dear lorain, i'm 515 years old. without my human years. i was transform when i was 19. you see, Dracula, isn't just a myth. he was my creator, he was my father.
-i didn't...
-shhhh... he did die in 1476, as a human, but that's the year he was born as a vampire, and i was born as a human. i never knew my real parents, he took me away that night. my mom died when she gave me birth. he promised to what was left of his humanity, that he'll protect me and raise me as his own child. he never wanted to transform me, but i got sick of plague at 19, and i asked him to save me.
-how did he manage to show you life? i mean you two were so different...
-i didn't know why dad was sleeping all day long or why was he afraid of sunlight, but when i was 12, he told me. and than i started to bring humans as a breakfast every single night.
-how come? didn't people get suspicious?
-well we were changing places, living in small villages, so we didn't have a home. people were so stupid. i was asking them to help my mother, who was sick, that we needed food and water. no one knew where everyone disappeared. they didn't have a single clue...
-what happened?
-i made a big mistake after he transformed me... i asked him to stay in one place, a village called holbav. he told me it's dangerous, but i promised him i'll go for hunting in other places. i should have known that people would get suspicious if i go out as a brand new person, without plague. but i was so thirsty, so hungry... soon people started to be afraid of me, of us. they said we were satan's children. they came in the middle of the day, into our house. i wasn't home, only dad... they killed him.
-i'm sorry...
-don't be. it was my fault. i was out hunting in a town near by, and i slept there. when i got back, i saw the ash of our house. i felt dad's smell all over the place. i knew who kill him...
-what did you...
-i killed everyone in the village. i left stefan the last one. i played with him 4 days. i tortured him with every single torture dad learned me. and after that, i hung his head in a thorn. people got scared, and soon transylvania knew vlad dracula was back.
-where did you go after?
-i swiched places all over in romania. i lived in transylvania for 20 years, and than i went in other places, in moldova and the southen territory. i heard of elizabeth bathory of hungary. i knew she was one of us.
-heard about her, she used to take baths in virgin's blood.
-indeed lorain, that's what they say. but her aunt klara was a vampire. she transformed her when she was 25. she didn't die as people say. she died when you were 10. people did her the same as my father. they burnt her house down.
-darn. did you live with her?
-of course. she was like a sister and a mother to me. we lived together till the day she was killed. we crated iulia and a few others.
-so are we many?
-not quite.
-how come?
-my father was one of the first vampires of the world. my grandfather transformed him.
-oh and what about mircea the elder?
-he was a fool! maria, his wife, became one of us. he was so in love with her, he didn't even guess what is she. after he found up, he killed her. she didn't die as history says.
-who was the first one?
-i do not know my love. i do not know...
-andreea?
-yes lorain?
-don't cry anymore.
-why?
-it hurts me...
-i'm sorry.
-it's ok.
-lorain, what do you remember of your past?
-i know lorain wasn't my real name...what's wrong?
-i'm sorry... i have to tell you the truth.
-what truth?
- after 236 years of living with elizabeth, i decided i want to find my "other half". elizabeth had a spell... she did use black magic, so that's true too. it wasn't a sure answer, that spell gave us, but elizabeth told me i'll know when the other part will be born. i will know his name and i'll go and do whatever it takes to be with him. after that night i had a name through my head. it was... it was your name. in 1983 i knew you were born. it took me 10 years to find you. i became your shadow.
-i always felt i have been followed...
-never wanted to change you, to transform you. i had your smell in my blood. remember when you found bram stoker's book?
-yes. i found it in the metro station... did you?
-yes. i put it there. i was right behind you.
-why did you?
-i knew you are obsessed by death, and you didn't have any friends, just books... it was a nice way to show you that we are alive, and you're not alone. i love bram stoker... he was the only human that knew about us, without being killed. elizabeth was his other half...
-why didn't you want me to be transformed?
-because i didn't want you to be killed...
-so i'm your other half?
-do you feel i'm your other half?
-i don't know.
-i have to tell you something else...
-what?
-i was the one who kill iulia.
-i... i hate you!
-don't say that. just because i love you, doesn't mean i can't kill you!
-kill me. now. it's against our rules, you'd be punished.
-hahahaha, listen my love, i and elizabeth made those rules. i can kill or create who ever i want.
-why did you kill my mom?
-because she was a mistake. me and elizabeth tryed so hard to make her listen, but she always did what she want. she killed bram, and i bet she's responsable for elizabeth's death. i supposed to be with elizabeth, so she would have kill both of us, but it was the night i found you. so i wasn't there. i hunted and question every single one responsable for her death. a woman called ana, told me about a woman that came last night to her house, and told her and her husband, she'd kill her children if they don't burn our house. she described so well iulia's image. i know it was her.
-why didn't you kill her that night?
-she ran away. i didn't follow her, because i wanted to stay with you all the time... it was hard to stay in sunlight. i was exhausted, i didn't sleep for weeks. i managed to keep you alive ten more years, but when i finally got to the edge of my powers, i lost you... i lost your life. iulia knew about you, and she knew she will destroy me if she... if she changes you. it was one of our rules she stepped on "do not create if you won't save a life". and now... you won't be able to see another sunrise again... to finish your studies, or have a normal family...
-if you do love me, why do you want me to have a normal life?
-because our destiny is a curse.