agenda

nu mai am cuvinte si nu stiu unde mi-am uitat agenda cu sentimentele. cred ca am imprastiat-o peste tot, pentru ca in momentu asta tin in mana o foaie cu ce am de facut azi:

-suna-l si trezeste-l.
-intalneste-te cu el.
-urla la parintii tai si nu te intelege cu ei
-mediteaza
-bea o cafea
-iesi cu fetele la o barfa
-simte-te bine!

p.s. nu uita sa fumezi exact 25 de tigari.

nu ma uit la data. mototolesc foaia si o bag in buzunar.
nu-l trezesc, ar trebui sa se odihneasca. nu ma intalnesc cu el azi, pentru ca n-am cum.
ce-i asta? inca o foaie?

-uraste tot ce te inconjoara si mai ales pe tine
-provoaca-ti durere
-urla atat de tare inauntrul tau incat fiecare rana sa-si deschida ochii. au dormit destul.

p.s. azi bei si alcool, stomacul tau nu rezista prea mult, dar cu putin noroc ajungi la urgente
p.s. [2] si nu uita sa-ti reamintesti cat de inutila esti in fiecare zi

inutila? stiam deja,chiar nu mai trebuie sa scriu. n-am chef de alcool. cred ca o sa cresc numarul tigarilor si atat.
durere? in mine? ahahahaha, am devenit imuna de la atatea doze de depresie.

-foloseste-ti imaginatia
-creeaza din durere ceva frumos.
-gandeste pozitiv

p.s. nu-ti murdri hainele

pfff. stupid. n-am chef de desenat, scris, citit, nimic.


-zambeste
-lasa-l sa te vindece
-asculta-i vocea
-absoarbe-l in tine cu fiecare cuvant grait
-gandeste-te la el prin fiecare lucru care il faci

p.s. o sa-ti lipseasca.

mie... mie mi-e dor de el. chiar mi-e dor de el.
sper ca asta e ultima foaie...

-iubeste-l.

p.s. si el te iubeste

in capul meu

agitatie.
umezeala.
ploaie.
duhoare.
tigari, transpiratie si alcool.


lumina albastra imi irita privirea la maxim! ma mananca ochii in ultimu hal si nu pot sa ma scarpin. e exact ca atunci cand ai varicela si n-ai voie sa te scarpini ca ramai cu gauri. ei bine, mi-as scarpina ochii pana la alea doua gauri.
scaaaaar-pin. scar si pin. adica cicatrice si codul pin.
ma pufneste rasu si urlu la tipu de la tejghea.


-barman! mai vreau un rom cu cola! si o bere!
-ai 18 ani?
-de cate ori tre sa-ti mai arat buletinu?
-pana aflu unde stai.
-pfff. ma faci sa pfff-ai!
-esti beata.
-ti se pare. imi dai romu ala?
-daca tre sa te car acasa... da.
-ce naiba? da-mi romu!

mi-am luat paharu si mi-am repetat "la naiba cu stomacu meu! e timpul sa beau!".
m-am indreptat de spate, mi-am sorbit paharu si m-am dus in fata platanelor.
tipa [adica dj-ul] m-a lasat masca din prima. deci era p-e-r-f-e-c-t-a! tot timpu am avut o slabiciune pentru fetele ca ea, dar ea e... vai de capu meu.
ma simt ca o lezbiana.


continui sa beau. imi aprind tigara dupa tigara si dansez pe muzica ei. nu... nu bob marley, ci pe muzica ei. pe mixul ei.
ma intalnesc cu niste cunoscuti, dar necunoscuti. ei ma cunosc, eu nu mai stiu cine sunt ei...
sau eu.

imi doresc un joint.
imi doresc sa ma fac praf si pulbere.
vreau sa-mi fac rau.
vreau depresia mea draga inapoi.
sunt prea fericita.
o sa ma doara.
o sa ma doara.

-tu zana? zana rosie?
-ha?
-alooo! tu femeie?
-ce-i tu?
-esti bine?
-da. de ce?
-ai fumat sau ai baut ceva inainte?
mi-am intors fata si-am inlemnit. nu cunosteam vocea, dar cunosteam fata.
se apleaca si ma saruta.
simt gustul sarat pe buze, in gura. imi place.
simt beat-ul in venele ei cum il mixeaza cu al meu.
stam amandoua pe o banca si zambim.
zambetul ei devine ceata... se contopeste cu al tau.
muzica ma impinge din spate si ma trezesc.
perfectiunea e in spatele meu, mixeaza.
nu vreau s-o vad. vreau sa plec acasa.
acasa.
a-ca-sa!
acasa teve. la naiba sa povestim.
la naiba sunt beata.
imi privesc prietena mea draga, foarte ametita simtindu-se bine.
imi doresc sa fiu in pielea ei si sa ma bucur.
nu pot.
nu pot...

imi aduc aminte de moartea lui.
de moartea ta.
de tine imi aduce aminte, "miss perfectiune"...
daca iti dau 50 de bani, te intorci?
te rog cere-mi bani, pentru ca faci cheta.
te rog respira.
te rog fa-ma sa uit.


ma duc acasa.
ploua.
eu plang.

il iubesc

-mi-e teama sa mor.
-tie? nu se poate. ce-ai patit? nu ti-a fost niciodata frica de moarte.
-n-am zis ca mi-e frica de moarte, ci ca mi-e teama sa mor.
-de ce?
-pentru ca am pentru ce trai.
-aha, pentru ce?
-pentru cineva mai exact.
-pentru ...
-da. pentru...
-tu chiar il iubesti, nu?
-nici n-ai idee.
-eh si tu.
-eh si eu.
-stii, se vede...
-ce se vede?
-cat de mult il iubesti.
-adica?
-adica iti pasa de viata ta. pana acum nu dadeai doi bani pe ea. putea sa te trasneasca, sa te loveasca masina, sa nu stiu... orice. nu-ti pasa. voiai doar sa mori dracului si eu nu stiam cum sa te impiedic.
-eu...
-mereu ai fost asa. de cand eram micute amandoua. mi se parea ca esti nebuna la un moment dat.
-n-am realizat asta...
-niciodata n-ai fost fericita aici, parca nu-ti gas...
-nu-mi gaseam locul.
-dar acum...
-acum l-am gasit. nu vreau sa plec. nu vreau sa-l las aici, sa suporte singur totul. nu vreau sa mai treaca printr-o singura depresie, nici macar sa atinga tristetea daca nu sunt langa el. nu vreau sa scuture o singura lacrima din el, daca nu sunt acolo sa o prind, sa o sterg. nu vreau sa-l dezamagesc si mai ales nu vreau sa nu-l iubeasca nimeni.
-dar il iubesc multi oameni.
-il iubesc in felul lor, dar niciodata asa cum vrea el. eu pot sa-l iubesc asa cum vrea fara sa-mi spuna, fara sa ceara. stiu. pur si simplu stiu cand vrea ceva, sau cand nu e bine, cand vrea sa ramana singur... si atunci ma tem...
-de ce te temi?
-de singuratatea lui. stii, in singuratate totul o ia razna. parca definitia singuratatii cuprinde cuvintele "depresie", "durere", "ura", "lacrimi" si tot ce nu-ti face bine.
-delirezi.
-tot timpul. nu vreau sa-l las in pace si vreau sa vorbesc tot timpul cu el ca sa-i demonstrez ca nu urmaresc ceva la el, nu vreau placere carnala, sau alte rahaturi. daca as petrece o singura zi, doar cu el, fara nimic altceva, nici macar sa-l ating, doar sa stam intre patru pereti sa ne uitam unu la altu, sa nu ne vorbim, as fi fericita. iar daca l-as prinde de mana, m-as numi primul om care a atins perfectiunea, primul om cu adevarat fericit.
-m-au trecut fiorii.
-de ce?
-cine esti?
-ce?
-unde-i sora mea? unde-i nebuna cu dorinte suicidale? ce-ai facut cu ea?
-termina...
-nici nu stii cat il iubesc!
-poftim?!
-e pentru prima data cand te vad fericita, pentru prima data cand razi din suflet fara sa te prefaci. pentru prima data cand viata ta are un rost. stiu ca ma iubesti si pe mine si pe ceilalti, dar... noi nu valoram mai nimic in fata lui.
-nu-i adevarat.
-ba da. stii cand nu esti cu el, te gandesti la el. iar cand vorbesti cu el, parca toata camera se umple cu lumina. radiezi. intelegi? ra-di-ezi!
-nu...
-ba da...
-eu doar il iubesc...

e pentru tine

e pentru tine si sora ta cea moarta,
e pentru viata mult prea incarcata,
e pentru sangele meu luat din al tau,
e pentru sufletul nostru greu.
e pentru timpul petrecut impreuna,
e pentru secolele in care ne-am cautat,
e pentru visele in care mi-ai cantat,
e pentru noi, surioara.
e pentru dragostea ce ti-o port
si pentru gratia cu care pasesti,
e pentru demonii din al nostru corp
si pentru ingerii ce ne pazesc.
e pentru focul ce-n tine arde,
si pentru vantul din mine,
e pentru apa din pamantul sacru
si chintesenta nemuririi.
e pentru tine sufletul meu,
e pentru tine...

transylvania vampires

-don't look at me. leave me alone!
-what's wrong?
-there's nothing wrong.
-don't lie to me.
-everything's wrong.
-tell me.
-shut up. ok? just shut up! everything's wrong since the first day of my life! and by the way, stop behaving like i'm your little sister. i'm older than you.
-i don't understand... you're not that old...
-no. iulia didn't create me. i created her 110 years ago. you see my dear lorain, i'm 515 years old. without my human years. i was transform when i was 19. you see, Dracula, isn't just a myth. he was my creator, he was my father.
-i didn't...
-shhhh... he did die in 1476, as a human, but that's the year he was born as a vampire, and i was born as a human. i never knew my real parents, he took me away that night. my mom died when she gave me birth. he promised to what was left of his humanity, that he'll protect me and raise me as his own child. he never wanted to transform me, but i got sick of plague at 19, and i asked him to save me.
-how did he manage to show you life? i mean you two were so different...
-i didn't know why dad was sleeping all day long or why was he afraid of sunlight, but when i was 12, he told me. and than i started to bring humans as a breakfast every single night.
-how come? didn't people get suspicious?
-well we were changing places, living in small villages, so we didn't have a home. people were so stupid. i was asking them to help my mother, who was sick, that we needed food and water. no one knew where everyone disappeared. they didn't have a single clue...
-what happened?
-i made a big mistake after he transformed me... i asked him to stay in one place, a village called holbav. he told me it's dangerous, but i promised him i'll go for hunting in other places. i should have known that people would get suspicious if i go out as a brand new person, without plague. but i was so thirsty, so hungry... soon people started to be afraid of me, of us. they said we were satan's children. they came in the middle of the day, into our house. i wasn't home, only dad... they killed him.
-i'm sorry...
-don't be. it was my fault. i was out hunting in a town near by, and i slept there. when i got back, i saw the ash of our house. i felt dad's smell all over the place. i knew who kill him...
-what did you...
-i killed everyone in the village. i left stefan the last one. i played with him 4 days. i tortured him with every single torture dad learned me. and after that, i hung his head in a thorn. people got scared, and soon transylvania knew vlad dracula was back.
-where did you go after?
-i swiched places all over in romania. i lived in transylvania for 20 years, and than i went in other places, in moldova and the southen territory. i heard of elizabeth bathory of hungary. i knew she was one of us.
-heard about her, she used to take baths in virgin's blood.
-indeed lorain, that's what they say. but her aunt klara was a vampire. she transformed her when she was 25. she didn't die as people say. she died when you were 10. people did her the same as my father. they burnt her house down.
-darn. did you live with her?
-of course. she was like a sister and a mother to me. we lived together till the day she was killed. we crated iulia and a few others.
-so are we many?
-not quite.
-how come?
-my father was one of the first vampires of the world. my grandfather transformed him.
-oh and what about mircea the elder?
-he was a fool! maria, his wife, became one of us. he was so in love with her, he didn't even guess what is she. after he found up, he killed her. she didn't die as history says.
-who was the first one?
-i do not know my love. i do not know...
-andreea?
-yes lorain?
-don't cry anymore.
-why?
-it hurts me...
-i'm sorry.
-it's ok.
-lorain, what do you remember of your past?
-i know lorain wasn't my real name...what's wrong?
-i'm sorry... i have to tell you the truth.
-what truth?
- after 236 years of living with elizabeth, i decided i want to find my "other half". elizabeth had a spell... she did use black magic, so that's true too. it wasn't a sure answer, that spell gave us, but elizabeth told me i'll know when the other part will be born. i will know his name and i'll go and do whatever it takes to be with him. after that night i had a name through my head. it was... it was your name. in 1983 i knew you were born. it took me 10 years to find you. i became your shadow.
-i always felt i have been followed...
-never wanted to change you, to transform you. i had your smell in my blood. remember when you found bram stoker's book?
-yes. i found it in the metro station... did you?
-yes. i put it there. i was right behind you.
-why did you?
-i knew you are obsessed by death, and you didn't have any friends, just books... it was a nice way to show you that we are alive, and you're not alone. i love bram stoker... he was the only human that knew about us, without being killed. elizabeth was his other half...
-why didn't you want me to be transformed?
-because i didn't want you to be killed...
-so i'm your other half?
-do you feel i'm your other half?
-i don't know.
-i have to tell you something else...
-what?
-i was the one who kill iulia.
-i... i hate you!
-don't say that. just because i love you, doesn't mean i can't kill you!
-kill me. now. it's against our rules, you'd be punished.
-hahahaha, listen my love, i and elizabeth made those rules. i can kill or create who ever i want.
-why did you kill my mom?
-because she was a mistake. me and elizabeth tryed so hard to make her listen, but she always did what she want. she killed bram, and i bet she's responsable for elizabeth's death. i supposed to be with elizabeth, so she would have kill both of us, but it was the night i found you. so i wasn't there. i hunted and question every single one responsable for her death. a woman called ana, told me about a woman that came last night to her house, and told her and her husband, she'd kill her children if they don't burn our house. she described so well iulia's image. i know it was her.
-why didn't you kill her that night?
-she ran away. i didn't follow her, because i wanted to stay with you all the time... it was hard to stay in sunlight. i was exhausted, i didn't sleep for weeks. i managed to keep you alive ten more years, but when i finally got to the edge of my powers, i lost you... i lost your life. iulia knew about you, and she knew she will destroy me if she... if she changes you. it was one of our rules she stepped on "do not create if you won't save a life". and now... you won't be able to see another sunrise again... to finish your studies, or have a normal family...
-if you do love me, why do you want me to have a normal life?
-because our destiny is a curse.

stiti ce-mi place mie la prieteni?
ca sunt acolo cand ai impreisa ca nu sunt. iti demonstreaza mai tarziu ca nu stiu ce sa

in lumea noastra

cum sa-mi zici ca te inspir, prin simplul fapt ca exist?
cum sa ma iubesti, doar ca ma iubesti si atat?

"te iubesc si punct."

virgula, dragul meu. nu e punct. acum te corectez.
vine virgula si cuvintele mele:

"eu te iubesc mai mult."
[care ar deveni "tu ma iubesti mai mult"]


recita-mi iarasi poezii marunte, scrise de genii nebuni,
de morti al caror cuvinte au trait mai mult decat ei.
eu iti voi canta cand stelele cad,
cand un nou suflet se stinge.
ma vei ajuta sa adun sufletele si fum,
in sticlutele noastre imbacsite cu parfum de moarte.

imi vei colora visele, cand inspiratia va disparea,
iar eu te voi ajuta sa vezi lumea in alb si negru.
voi fi grafitul tau si radiera din mana stanga,
pe foaia din fata ta.
vom trage linii impreuna si vom coopera,
ca romeo si julieta.
vom desena o viata mai buna, in care insectele nu exista,
cerul e mereu intunecat, iar florile n-au miros.
vom crea muzica plina cu dezacorduri si vom ruina planeta.
vom instala depresia si ura in inimile tuturor,
iar noi ne vom imbata cu suferinta lor, iubindu-ne.
dupa ce vom cuceri lumea noastra imaginara,
vom dori ceva mai mult. dar eu...
eu voi trai cu teama in suflet.

imi vei fi furat.
imi vei fura si inima, si dragostea.
ma vei lasa secata, trista, suferind.
voi deveni un locuitor al lumii noastre,
a lumii mele.

in your soul

you feel me closer,
when you breath,
but you don't know i'm hiding in
i'm in your soul and in your life.

you feel me warmer than your blood,
you feel me beatting more than your heart.
you feel me in and you don't know what's wrong.

you see me hiding in your dreams,
you feel me crawling in your fears,
and you don't know,
and you don't know what's wrong.